Animals Gone Wild

There’s a website that serves as a community bulletin board for people, like myself, who live in Beechwood. People go onto it who have lost pets or have something to sell or are looking for a recommendation of a plumber or electrician.

The other day a man posted that he was shocked to hear that there might be people in our area who were feeding the deer. Didn’t people realize how destructive these beasts were.

I started thinking about it and I wondered if he might be right. The herd is up to at least six (maybe ten) and they thrive on leaves of bushes particularly my azaleas. They eat the leaves off of mama’s Cherokee rose bush that are within five feet of the ground. They’ve eaten all of my lilies from the front yard. I can’t set out any flowers or shrubs because they become deer snacks. A couple of years ago I set out some evergreens and the deer didn’t eat them. They backed up to them and used them for scratching posts, destroying them in the process.

I know what we can do, let’s kill ’em all. What better way to grow closer than to have a community deer hunt. Everybody can get their rifles and bows and arrows and bush axes and whatever other instruments of death that they have and we can fan out over the entire subdivision flushing the evil deer from their hiding places and sending them all to deer hell. After harvesting their meat for the post hunt community picnic, we can cut off their heads and place them on spears along West Lake Drive as a warning to all deer: enter this subdivision and you die.

With the deer epidemic having spread nationwide as it has, we’ll probably be immortalized in prose and song. Maybe even featured on Sixty Minutes.

After that we go after the chipmunks. There are hundreds of them living in my yard. I’ve been told that as they burrow under my carport, eventually they will undermine the foundation of my house and it will go crashing into the ground. As if this wasn’t enough to worry about, I came home from the grocery store yesterday and there were two chipmunks on the walk just off of my carport having chipmunk sex. In broad daylight. The brazen rodents not only seemed to relish an audience, they obviously enjoyed it when I retrieved my camera and started taking pictures. Chipmonk sex in my yard. This probably happens every time I leave the house. Probably even when I’m home. Chipmunk sex all over my yard. There’s only one way to put an end to chipmunk sex, let’s kill ’em all.

Then with the nasty chipmunks out of the way, we can go after the birds and the raccoons and the turtles and the black snakes, let’s get them all, after all nobody invited them into our neighborhood.

All of this hunting talk is making me hungry. I think I’ll cut up a cantaloupe. When I get through cutting it up, I’ll take the seeds and guts from the inside of the melon out and put them under my birdfeeder in the back yard, the deer love them.

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